Tomb Rider Tree: Add Ventures of Lara Croft (TRIII: Adventures of LC)
by SheerLuck Home
Summary: Croft is back once more to deliver punches to the face and to restlessly assault animals. Pistols are ready to fire endless cartridges as evil people concoct their evil plan rather evilly. Watch the step.
1. NOT Voodoo

TOMB RIDER Tree, Add Ventures of LC

 _(Tomb Raider III, Adventures of LC)_

 **NOT Voodoo**

A camera pans about a great Manor, showing off everything and zooming on a window; getting too close and ramming in it hard. That quickly ended the opening cut scene. Now we see Lara Croft in her dark-red and black camouflage pants plus black tank top shooting at target practice in her extremely huge backyard. One of the unfortunate targets is her old fart servant, WinsTon; and the only thing he wins is tons of pain.

Presently he's trying to save his own life by shielding his face with a silver plateau; well too bad he has to hold that plateau with _something_ thus some of his fingers got shot. A disturbing howling of pain is heard on the property but unfortunately for him, Miss Croft is the only one available for help. The rather indifferent woman assures him she'll get the medicinal box right away then runs inside the Manor, but mid-way a report shown on TV catches her interest. It is said that some company researches four mystical crystalline artifacts that have been created by a meteorite crash years ago; they look awesome and of course grants their wearer with astonishing powers. She's got to get her hands on these babies at all costs! Moreover also preventing Albert Wesker from getting them for himself so he can become a God; or any other individuals with a God-complex. So that means forgetting the dying butler and leaving right away for blood-pumping adventures.

Meanwhile, in some isolated backyard, a certain face is dipped in hot sand; a body is riddled with spasms of pain while tears and blood flows. Poor, poor farting WinsTon. Well don't you worry, Miss Croft will get back soon enough as for she's the goddamn Terminator of Tomb Riders…..doesn't mean you'll be able to save your missing fingers though. You weren't putting them to use anyway knowing that the meals you prepared were seldom edible…but I bet this little incident won't improve your cooking skills.

Though that's far from being any of your concern now, isn't it…..

* * *

Let us then begin with the intrepid adventure that'll make Croft sweat lots in some evil humid jungle, because if it isn't wicked then she has no interest in it. Starting with all of the available firearms in her inventory because she has beaten the game so many times she lost count, so the heavily armed woman grabbed her cherished Desert Eagle and slid down the very long slope ahead of her. Yet again sliding everywhere like that was bound to destroy her soles but no worry since she always carries over 100 replacement boots in her small backpack. On her way down was a big trunk above her head stuck horizontally in between two large stony walls, wondering how the hell this could possibly have happened, she jumped on it effortlessly only to be immediately assaulted by a tiny baboon. It had gray fur and a red face as if it'd been overindulging in alcohol; knowing how twisted this jungle is, it was probably true.

Hell it had not the slightest of chance though, doesn't know how to pick its fight does it. It produced its retarded monkey noise and rolled her way only to have its limbs severed by the blast of the powerful gun. Blood spilled upward like a nice fountain and Lara went to fetch its body, «One ration for the day ready. » She then executed a backward jump to continue her peaceful descend while admiring the luxuriant vegetation…. and deadly spikes protruding from the earth. For anyone else this would have appeared quite unusual but Croft was really used to such unconventional welcome so she merely jumped over the trap and kept going. Now to her left stood a small horizontal ledge so she made her way to it with small jumps, then laid a knee in some animal feces and stretched her right arm to grab the large medi pack there. Being the goddamn Tomb Rider III she was more than used to the sound of malevolent boulders by now, but she had not anticipated the item being jammed in dry soil therefore the rock rolled on her hand. Stuck in an awkward position, poor fingers crushed and her face against the rock, she then grabbed her firearm and shot her arm off. Nothing illogical, rats use this method as well since they gnaw at their own trapped limb in order to escape. «Well so much for the medi pack that I now seriously need. », no worry though since that was all part of her idea of sport.

Lara still descended the rest of the slope before jumping over a second row of spikes, as she did the blood flowing from her stump formed an arch as it followed her movement. A pretty sight. She arrived at a ledge and let herself fall down, her trained eyes immediately locking unto a small medi pack resting in the middle of the place as if it'd been waiting for her. She ran to it but so did another baboon, well its head exploded so the woman picked up the item thus her hand grew back somehow. I wouldn't know how since I've never used one of those myself, but it sure seems like one hell of a remedy. Or one concocted by some Umbrella scientist. If so then I'd fear the symptoms of some side effects in the next hours.

At some point Croft faced a river but the piranhas and skeletons floating about advised her not to venture in it. Wise fucking choice, although everything else she did afterwards was not. She located a different route where she had to pull a lever and avoid being punctured to death by spikes on a moving wall, however with all her agility and intellect she avoided the three year old trap and moved on. Next she used her very thin muscle-less arms to vault up an edge as if it was the easiest thing an individual with such scrawny arms could do. It seems to me that the producers still don't realize that a certain amount of muscles are required to perform any physical activities, but to hell with logic since it apparently was more imperative for their fictional character to look sexy rather than convincing. Can't be the Fucking Tomb Rider if she doesn't eat or grow muscles, but hey whatever huh; at least she got full lips, huge boobs, a very thin waist line and a small ass. Because that's important.

Lara groaned as she arose atop the ledge, «Fuck sake all that goddamn intense daily training for years in my numerous backyards and I _still_ can't grow muscles! Seriously what the fucking hell?! » she wiped the perspiration off her forehead hence a cascade of sweat rushed at her feet, flooding her boots, «Hell, it's incredibly hot here. » She now faced a zip line and used it right away, not bothered to check whether the rope was rotten or not from all the humidity in the air. If it broke then she'd be mercilessly devoured by famished piranhas but I guess that didn't scare her either. Croft flew down and for a brief two seconds might have felt what it was like to fly like Superman, once arrived down she then tried to continue flying through the tree trunk that was there. Obviously she couldn't since solid surfaces are regularly impossible to pass through just like that. Unless you're Raziel and know how to dematerialize your body then almost anything is possible. So it only ended by her ramming her forehead on the solid wood. At least nobody saw that.

Lara jumped over another ledge facing her thus ended within the jungle; she also got attacked by a tiger because this was its territory and not hers. But to hell with those kinds of animal rules, when she's involved then the Alpha individual of _any_ place is always the one with the firepower. One headshot sufficed to claim this terrain as her own, until another sneaky monkey showed up but got as effortlessly dealt with. She bent and grabbed the medi pack, «Why in Stinking Sweaty Buttocks do they seem to want those so damn much? », she sniffed it, «They don't even wear the smell of banana. », or perhaps they were just addict baboons…..

She pulled a lever avoiding yet another angry boulder merely by walking around it, contrary to an additional monkey that did not. Lara strolled peacefully towards the lake and dipped half her legs in the water; because of the ledge it was too shallow for any fish to come partying on her flesh. She stared at the pack of white fishes swimming around while eyeing her, being successful then into trolling the piranhas, «…. What? You don't want to taste these legs?» she grinned then one feisty piranha leaped out and bit her nose. « _ArGhH!_ », she stumbled back while ripping the little fiend off her, savagely throwing it on the ground before proceeding to ram her heel down repeatedly until nothing was left. One lesson learned; _don't_ troll the hungry piranhas. They don't take kindly to it. Actually don't make fun of anything that has equally sharp teeth.

Well, unless you're Lara Croft then you've got the superiority to still not care because you've got breasts of steel and firepower to back it up.

She ran back towards where the rock had claimed a casualty, now seeing that an additional next-victim was running towards a bundle of flares she grabbed her bazooka and blew the little beast up everywhere. It also dropped a medi pack, «You really shouldn't steal from me, but it's not like you'll ever going to repeat that mistake now. » A nearby branch that had been set on fire from the exploding body parts now fell unto the flares, the chemical reaction was instantaneous and sparked in her face consequently setting her hair on fire. Nothing that medi pack couldn't fix, though she ran off since the surrounding was heating up quickly.

Deforestation, Lara Croft was here.

Crossing that previous gate she had opened which had prompted the aforementioned sinful rock, Lara found herself in a nice dome made of vegetation as a calm sexy song started playing. She slowly walked through it while admiring the pleasant relaxing view until a tiger popped around the corner to leap-bite her leg. Quickly returning the attention she grabbed it by the tail, pulled it back near her and shoved the end of her gun right in its anus then fired. Bit harsh, I agree, but highly sports like just the way she loves it. «Don't fuck with me.» She then resumed her tranquil stride through the foliage.

The path led to a bigger area similarly furnished in green but also with a bit of fog in the small crevice ahead, plus four beams of light filtering in between the trees. It was really beautiful and relaxing, «I really _do_ wonder though where this music is coming from. », she easily avoided another cretin-trap giving on spikes and walked among the mist. Little did she know it wasn't fog but hallucinogenic spores produced by the mushrooms all around, but that doesn't matter; high or not Lara would finish this adventure. «Hmm, and it smells so nice, too. », breathing in more spores.

Next another gray fur ball rolled by, she let it come to her, and as soon as it was close enough she swiftly grabbed it then turned around only to toss it through the dark pit. It shrieked briefly as it slid down the spikes, said evil spikes then fed on its blood ravenously. «I'm all about peace and harmony. » Croft resumed her stress-free gait towards a big wooden obstacle, she got on all fours to fit in the gap underneath thus making her knees bleed, but she didn't feel the pain at all since the mushrooms helped. On the other side she found out that trees in this region gave out peculiar fruits, like gun ammunitions. She walked on top of a conveniently placed dead trunk that lead to a green opening farther up ahead. Doing so an azure floating crystal disappeared within her when she walked through it; _that_ was not due to the mushrooms. The peculiar sound it did while vanishing inside her made a tiger come running through the hole as if to get its magic gem back, but Lara blew it up in many orange nibbles. If she keeps this up she'll be responsible for annihilating this whole region of its animals; equivalent to her many past adventures anyway.

Well she encountered yet another goddamn primate who was basically interested in feeding off her, aside from collecting medicines they can't fucking use. She grabbed her grenade launcher and fired, the grenade bounced onward and into a stony corner as the annoying animal moved around at random as if possessed; until it executed a 160° thus meeting the grenade head on, _blam!_. «I truly enjoy these fireworks. », she smiled dreamily due to the toxins still in her system. Then she slowly walked among spikes to get down from that ledge, where she continued onward through a dense tropical forest leaping off the trajectory of four boulders as well.

«They'll never learn though…. can't kill a target if your own movement consists only of rolling into a straight line. They need to upgrade their tactics badly. Though instead of hiding in plain sight now they at least got the idea to conceal their massive form behind bushes, it's a start.»

Next she found herself into a temple where Shiva statues came to life, they had six arms and each held a golden sword; could have proven a formidable foe if not for the fact that its aim sucked. Lara just stood there as her enemy tried in vain to chop her into pieces, instead striking the air more than once while staring at her. She eventually shot its limbs off before perforating its throat with one of the scimitar, falling down turning back to a statue. So that means you better not be where it fell. If however she allowed it to kill her, because she sometimes likes to experience astral flights, it'd stand over her corpse while laughing but also sounding as if burping which was quite rude. Because there's only one being that can be utterly cruel plus offensive to them all and she's The Tomb Killer.

* * *

At some point Croft arrived in an area where green tents had been deployed, they were all also utterly empty. She wondered if monkeys were the cause of this when she heard voices with static coming from one.

«Find, what we need to find, to find...goddamn it I need to find my contact lenses! And Tony I know you're there, I keep hearing you over the radio giggling like a fucking bloody idiot!»

The one concerned walked out from one tent, «WOOHOO! Damn I like pizza pockets!» he then proceeded to pull on his blonde hair because he was evidently not insane.

Lara might have felt like asking him if he was alright, but instead opted for a safer approach so she pointed her devastating Desert Eagle at his head. The man didn't seem to care, perhaps he wouldn't be so relaxed if he knew who she was though….. and if he was aware of the considerable damage this kind of gun can create.

The dude landed on his knees and grabbed his head in dismay, «Would you all stop!? I might be just fine, just minus 17%, just _GO!»_

«….I haven't said anything, but now that I am in the process of doing just that; what are you talking about?»

«All you, hundreds of you farting and burping at the same time and breaking my balls! Plus who emptied my last cookie box!? That's bloody heartless knowing I had to kill a penniless villager to get it! »

She adopted a defensive stance, «Hm mh, well I'm not quite sure what drugs you're on but if you could calm down a minute I wouldn't feel so inclined to pull the trigger.»

He stood up while looking at her, «And why would I do that?»

«Because I have two pistols pointed at your head- _wait_ when did my gun got changed for my pistols…..?»

«…ehh, blanks?»

Lara appeared irked, «Do I look like I'm fucking around?»

« Uhhhh…»

« Here you imbecile.» She shot him in the leg consequently his face hit the ground, also cruelly deepening his glasses in his eyes.

« _ **GARGH SHIT!»**_

«Does it fucking feel like blanks to you? You better tell me about the Infather artifact in the temple up there. », the camera pointed out nothing in particular through the woods.

Tony scrubbed the mud off his forehead and tried to remove bits of broken glass from his eyes, «It's 'Infada'.»

«I'M the famous archeologist, not you.»

Then undid a med kit and ineptly rolled it around his face, all good. « Voodood and all huh?»

«It's spelled ' _Voodoo'_ , by the way it's not voodoo.»

«Make up your mind lady, anyway, I don't touch this stuff myself; and frankly I haven't touched myself in ages, sure could use that alone-time later.»

« Never mind freak; what were those voices back there?»

He nervously licked his lips, «You hear them too? The thing is I don't understand why it keeps asking me to ' _kill everyone right now_ ', I mean shit that's going to take me a _**while**_ to accomplish…..!»

«I meant the ones from the radio.»

The man fixed his hair and coughed, «Tsh, Randy and Rorry.»

«Randy and Row….Rawr…Roarr….. **them**. Well, what are you doing here?»

«You're not my mother so why would I tell you that?»

Lara motioned to the pistols with her chin.

«They're staying put in that temple, eating the last bags of chips. I told them not to!»

«Surprisingly sensible coming from a demented man; exactly, staying in those temples is a really bad idea for imbeciles.»

«I don't care if they die I'm more concerned about the CHIPS! Me, I'm leaving, next bus out! Well, kayak…...»

He carelessly threw a bunch of expensive looking materials into a metal box, so much for science. A certain powerful AI computing underground a field of wheat would shed an oil tear at that.

«This jungle fucked enough with my head, with the mud and the, the _goddamn mud!_ I am not kidding just a while back I swear I saw a fucking leprechaun, came out of the damn mire making fun of me with all his three eyes! Jumped in there and strangled him, I just had to! Can't wait to get outta here.»

He walked to a cliff before turning half around, «I'd offer the same advice to you but… nah I wouldn't else it'd imply I don't want you to die; speaking of which do you care if I said that you're gonna: …. _ **die?**_ », he grinned.

Her answer was to shoot him hence he fell down the cliff.

« _Yeahhhh, diieeeeee-»,_ hitting a rock on his way down, _«_ _ **OW SHIT**_ _!_ … _Goddamn my leg BROKE!..._ », and once he collided with the soil disturbing noises were heard like several bones snapping, next he kept laughing and it echoed throughout the forest.

Lara then began walking towards the rest of the woods, really slowly, as if not bothered by the army of mosquitoes feeding on her at the time. We then heard new static over the radio:

« This place is huge! Randy where are you? I swear if you're still back there somewhere licking one of those sacred walls I am going t…..Randy? Is that your severed arm I just found…?... _WOAH WHAT'S GOI-!»_

Rituals….. they do that.

* * *

Author Note: for those interested, I have humorous videos of TRII/TRIII on You Tube, about many other games as well plus music videos. They're about me playing and saying stupid comments similar to in my parodies, so hopefully some of you might enjoy my peculiar sense of humor. Since Fan Fiction doesn't allow me to copy the link, then just paste the following on the You Tube page;

1- Evil Jungle (Joking) TRIII

De Void is the name, browse through my channel.


	2. Evil Jungle

**Evil Jungle**

As lady-death ventured around she soon came into view of the mud the schizophrenic researcher mentioned. Vast areas were covered by it and it stood there looking rather treacherous; she did not see any leprechaun though, or its corpse. It was wiser to make way around it, who knows how deep it went; Croft was doing just that when she noticed something far up ahead. It had been hard to detect since it wasn't moving; when the woman got closer she stopped and stared until the man caught sight of her too.

He was just standing there and even if he wanted to move he couldn't since he was stuck mid-waist in the sludge, right in the middle of the big puddle. One would think that his little escapade would have proven to be a reasonably bad idea early enough before he went that far, but apparently he was dumber than that. The brain dead man eventually lifted his arm and waved at her, smiling; though her face remained stoic.

«Nice evening, isn't it?»

« …Are, you alright….?»

« Huh? Oh, me! Yeah, I totally meant to do that.»

She sized him slowly, he painfully swallowed, « Well uh, they say it's good for the skin, so I guess I couldn't resist. Plus, errr, I'll bet there's a really rare artifact in here, somewhere. So two for the price of one; or something like that….»

He kept on blinking. She spotted a tiger nearby that had caught scent of the trapped pray; the animal sniffed the surroundings near the swamp and growled in annoyance knowing its meal was out of reach. Well that wasn't really good news since the man was still trapped in there and if he did manage to get out, a famished beast was waiting for him. Anyway he clearly didn't require help so she moved on.

Lara started walking away under the eyes of the stupid tourist, which grew wider as she turned her back at him then disappeared among trees. The stomach of the tiger rumbled as well, the man turned its way and laughed nervously. From now on it was he either died of hunger in here or got eaten on his way out; or he plunged his head in the morass to commit suicide….. _Or_ he could wait for somebody else to show up.

He nodded, yup that was the best course of action; someone was bound to show up soon in this desolated part of deep and dense jungle in such a far, far away part of the globe. That is if mosquitoes didn't kill him first….the man got tearful eyes for some reason.

* * *

When Croft arrived at precise spot she suddenly froze in place as a loading bar appeared right beside her, when it was done she blinked multiple times, looking around in stupor, «….What, in the hell, was that….. ..….. ….»

As she said this one of those damn annoying baboons rolled by and scratched its butt, then staring at her it sniffed its fingers. Lara got so grossed out that she crippled the little body with hundred of bullets and cooked it with a flamethrower for at least seventeen minutes. Replacing the weapon on its designated rack drilled to a tree nearby, she whispered, «Reminded me of an ex of mine..….»

Shivers went up her spine and if ammo would have helped get rid of the memory she would have gladly emptied a whole magazine inside her head.

But like usual, it was not the last time those primates would be unfortunate enough to cross her path, since they all seemed truly exceedingly obsessed with stealing the medicinal packs that laid around: but they were rightfully hers so she'd shoot their fleas-ridden bodies to hell, or better yet ride them over with the quad. That did cause problems in some occurrence when the little fur balls would get jammed between the tires and Lara would have to rip the monkeys apart from under there, leaving the dismembered animal around as warning to others. As for the presence of health packs, they probably grew in the trees and fell off when ripe.

After killing some more endangered species Lara slid down an exit from the last visited ruins, thus got reunited with Tony whom was merely drifting peacefully on the river below on some hand-made craft. She also noticed he had built himself a rudimentary pair of spectacles with small tree branches and leaves. When he saw her he uncrossed his arm and started laughing again, then the temple behind her started to collapse by some of his telepathic means. And also thanks to having shoved the Infada Stone inside his chest, because when you want awesome powers you're ready to do that. «The _liar_ , he said he wasn't into voodoo….!»

She then had to roll-dodge the falling pillars for an eternity, «Were there really that many?!», once finally over she seated only to watch Tony disappear along the river, smiling at her. Well it was too late to aim at his face and blow it off, so she got up and magically found a 4X4 just laying around there with her name carved in it. The colors weren't as cool as her own quad bike back at her manor but still. When she sat on the engine, a song started playing, whenever she dismounted it stopped; it was exactly like back then in Tibet with the snowmobile. «Gosh, great times those…» She remained there a few hours screwing around like this; the fate of the world can wait.

* * *

During her search for Tony, or hopefully his corpse, she came across two other carcasses. One was stuck mid-air in a corner; limbs limp at his sides and a nice gory slice coursing from his face down to his abdomen. There was also a bundle of flares right underneath him which implied he had excreted it once dead. The other man was also floating above some sort of ceremonial pedestal in the middle of the room as light filtered in from above between jungle leaves, putting a mystic emphasis on the situation plus that hole in his torso which was amazingly even.

Lara soon figured who they were and had guessed right even before she saw the empty bags of chips dirtying the temple. After analyzing the deceased who were hilariously held as such, plus throwing pebbles through the fleshy hole getting a score of 25/27, she took pictures. «Pff, amateurs. Taken religious devotion to a whole new level, didn't you. Should really learn to bring a Memory Card next time…. right, what next time huh? Haha! » Afterwards she grabbed a bag of chips and started eating, making her way through deadly traps, pits of fire and mud of doom all the while: fucking pro.

Using the bike she played around with her life still all while decimating monkey road-kill style. Croft even ventured atop small stony paths where no sane individual would while riding a bike. She came across additional ravenous piranhas but shoving a primate, dead or alive, in the water usually solved the problem; then she was free to cross with all limbs intact. Those damn disease-ridden fur balls though, they still often appeared out of nowhere and sneak up on her, trying to snack on her legs. They weren't nearly as much as when she was being constantly harassed in Greece by over 9999 gorillas in each new room, but this damn jungle was plagued with their specie nonetheless. Later on, vultures also wanted her dead but the one she met seemed to be having brain damage as it tried to fly through a stoned wall endlessly. «Here let me help you. », she aimed then fired and the bird fell down with a flop into the water.

Otherwise now there were cobras lying everywhere and waiting right around corners as if they knew exactly where to position themselves to perform a stealthy surprise attack. Bet they were as surprised when bullets pierced their skin…. in another portion of a temple she dropped through an opening in the ground only to find herself surrounded by twelve cobras lined up along each side of the walls. She avoided another boulder and exploded all the snakes into ashes. «What was that, a secret reptile reunion of some kind…? »

Getting revenge on the cobras for such trickery, she soon got lost into an underground labyrinth where she mainly hit her face on walls by lack of flares, ripped her knees and hands open by constantly being forced to wander on all fours, plus got bitten by poisonous snakes but none of it stopped the Tomb Poisoned. After two weeks of that she finally located another slippery slope and slid down, only to find Tony standing there in the middle of the room, eating lasagna.

«Hey asshole!» She wanted to look tough but the abrupt contact with the horizontal ground made her trip, she skipped along trying to regain balance but only managed to fall into the water before her.

He watched her spit and cough, «Long day is it….»

«What is this, this isn't water!?»

«Yeah I just took a leak there a few seconds ago so that would explain it.»

Lara jumped out backward then savagely pulled a tooth brush from her hair and vigorously cleaned her mouth, «You'll pay for this.», then drank some acid.

«Can't it wait a minute?»

«Well since you're asking: _NO!_ »

«Damn it, I can't even enjoy this dish in peace?!»

Her eyes fired up, «I'll feed you something else.», she quickly aimed at him.

He laughed, lifted off the ground and as he spread his limbs the water all around them turned to some kind of lava. Well that's power. She glared at the orange pool though, after all these years her Scorching Nemesis still wanted her dead. Oh she recalled all the close calls they had, the competitions for dominance…..

Tony briefly glanced back and forth between her and the hot liquid as the woman just stood there staring at it, he then interrupted the little reunion «Oh come on that's not fair! Here I am all mighty but you decide to give your attention to _…. whatever you're doing right now?_ », then started throwing fire balls at her thanks to now being imbued with the element of fire. Croft revolved around him avoiding the lake of doom jumping from platforms to platforms, plus his fiery balls. That seems wrong. However his echoing laughter indicated that he too might have thought about the joke that she was dodging his balls.

With each new thrust of his arms, balls of fire came out and it seemed that he could go on endlessly. Well he seemed to be enjoying himself greatly with each new throw, so much it made Lara think of how it sounded as if he was touching himself- she then suddenly slipped, fell then caught on fire and died.

Indifferent or oblivious, the man kept throwing balls here and there; what's the point to sit back down anyway since his meal was now overcooked…..

However Lara reloaded and was now facing his behind, «Hey piece of shit. »

The man revolved around, «Whut? No way-»

His eyes grew bigger through his glassless spectacles and she pulled his underwear upward now hurting everything contained in it, before shoving his upper body in the fire; gurgles were heard as he screamed while she kept him down seated over his ass. Once dead the artifact came popping out of his butt so she tossed the rest of him in there. The hot liquid burped, eyeing it wrong she said icily, «Stay where you belong… in my memories. », and touched the artifact sending her to her next mission.

A certain wanna-be soldier with blonde spiky hair walked from a corner lifting his palms up, «…. _Really_ … _?_ » So not easy being a hero with shiny blue eyes that makes you look like you're always on the verge of crying.

Suddenly higher flame arose from the liquid also triggering a threatening song, then some tall man dressed in leather walked right through, his chilly eyes locking unto the other man, «…Rematch. », he smiled.

«….poop…. »


	3. Appetizing Cannibalism & Dinosaurs

**Appetizing Cannibalism & Dinosaurs**

Now having gotten her hands on the turquoise cone-shaped Infada Stone, Lara came out of some vegetation, she had been emptying her bladder there when she heard a boat approaching. Some random guy motioned to her to come aboard; she did and immediately proceeded to violently bash the navigator's head on several places until he died. The owner of the boat stared at her.

«He thought I was too stupid to notice but I saw him stare at my ass, the disrespectful son of a fucker, he had to die. And frankly if I could right now, I'd set him on fire. You disrespect then it's only natural you get none in return.»

«…point taken. », he wiped his face with a cloth before squeezing it thus filling the whole place with sweat up to their ankles, «I'm Mark Willard, Scottish researcher, company owner of the RX-Tech Mines; also heartless manipulator and a liar. Welcome aboard. »

«Are you a relative to Willard Stiles and his killer pet rats…..? »

«Who knows. », then out of nowhere he tossed her some book, «Here, read this!»

After receiving it in the eyes, Lara opened it and flipped the pages then stared back at him. «Am I supposed to understand something?»

«What, can't read English?»

«Not like I learned to decipher blank pages in my youth.»

«Tssh, wrong book, I gave you the one I put my research into.»

«I guess I just learned why it's empty...»

«Okay this is Charles Xavier—I mean Charles Darwin's personal diary, check it out!»

Croft flipped the pages, «His handwriting is awful, the blanks were easier to decipher.»

«I know right!»

«Why bother handing me this then?»

«I….don't know. I guess I just, huh…..well, never mind?»

A fly flew by then settled on the table where Lara quickly smashed it with the book; now her hand resting on top of it and her eyes locked onto the man's face. Mark would swallow if he could….and stop the piss from descending down his leg while he's at it.

* * *

After this unfortunate meeting, Croft had to press on adventuring in a different jungle though she started to get fed up with all the retarded baboons, now seriously painting the whole forest with their blood; and the damn mosquitoes always buzzing at her ears. She eventually lost it and started firing in all directions, hoping some of her bullets would decimate the clouds of insects; though she only ended shooting some bloke that was camping in a tree observing birds.

Well not one to let things go to waste she was just about snacking on him when she got assaulted by a Velociraptor. It looked identical to the ones she had fought before in Jurassic Age in her very first adventure, it also died as easily. Lara talked to its corpse, «Did you know that in Latin 'Velociraptor' means 'Speedy Thief'? Well you weren't fast enough. Don't feel enormously ashamed though, the hordes of baboons weren't either. » Well she was glad to be entertained with them once again and moved onward expectedly. She reached an underground cavern in which she almost got her whole body pierced by spikes abruptly coming out of the wall right in front of her. There was a skeleton stuck to the mechanism so she glanced at it, «Can't all be great adventurers. » then ducked and crawled underneath before having her head chopped clean off by a revolving blade which also came out of the wall.

Reloading her ass into pixel existence, she reached a small village, however the Puna tribesmen were racist hence tried to kill her so she grabbed her harpoon gun and shot arrows in their faces. Upon exterminating the last of them she just kept on shooting arrows in the man's body, as if in some sort of trance. Once she was done with her little fucked up experiment, she exited the village and found out some British soldier was living in a wooden cabin atop a tree. She had invited herself in but now stared at his injuries, his biggest problem was that his missing leg was festering with maggots plus flies flew around it. «…There's no way you haven't noticed that... »

«Oh, hi! Was taking a piss when one of them black bloke started to chew on my leg; they don't really know what the word 'intimacy' means, right? »

«It's unusual of them to chew right off the bone like that, and by that I mean your leg not your penis. Weird since there's plenty of Velociraptors around to snack on so why would they bother with a smelly man is beyond me. »

«For real? Can't you see how attractive I am? », some maggots fell off his stump squirming, a fly lay on his lips so he snatched it with his tongue and started masticating it.

«You're right, I can't. So do you know how to cross that big lake of mud down there? »

«Why would I know that? You think I'd still be here if I did? »

«So you're of no use whatsoever as I imagined. Great. », she was leaving.

«Hey wait!»

She half turned around and stared.

«Me and my crew crash landed in this shithole, if you see any of my men out there, direct them away from here will you? »

«Don't you worry about a thing, if I encounter any men I'll be sure to definitely shoot them.» and left.

«Thanks- wait what? _Hey!_ »

Lara crossed the muddy path all thanks to her cleverness thus soon reached the plane, there were two soldiers roaming about near the tail and it so happen that when she appeared so did one Velociraptor. Well she shot the humans first, «Those dinosaurs are mine to kill!», then dealt with her reptilian friend. The murderer walked through a dark passage and on the other side encountered a fourth man, he looked at her, «I heard screams of pain then lots of gunshots, everything alright? »

«Yup.» and shoved him inside the water where he got devoured by piranhas consequently clearing a path for her. Within a room nearby she killed more raptors then jumped on a higher ledge where she discovered a dead man. She bent to steal his keys when a dinosaur bit her ass coming out of absolutely nowhere, she swiftly rolled around and killed it so it dropped right beside the human, «There, right next to the man you've killed. That's payback. » bit hypocrite of her knowing the many massacres she'd done herself.

Afterwards she discovered another cavern where a fifth dude was wandering when suddenly two raptors converged on them; she shot all three equally. Croft looked down at his corpse, «You're all the same to me, you're all the same! » then slid down somewhere near it. There was a half-eaten raptor there and as she touched ground a group of four Compsognathus converged on it; little green dinosaurs fast on their feet, and almost looking two-dimensional here. They emitted happy sounds while decapitating their meal, Lara got closer and bent at their level to have a better look. Her fresher skin attracted the unlikely friendly creatures to her but since there was a bug they just stood there staring while 'purring' in their own way.

«Aww, that's so cute. Aren't you supposed to feed on my legs?»

They took off and ran into a circle before coming back her way still not doing anything, she then tried to pet them but a sneaky one touched her butt of its beak so she quickly unholstered her gun blasting them all to bits. Lara ran deeper into the grotto and discovered a big nest with some eggs in it, plus a sixth bloke dead there, «Hell, you all chose the worst place to crash, didn't you. », she stole his key and that's when the ground shook violently.

Oh, she would have recognized this specific tremor anywhere…. she picked up a bazooka from her tiny backpack and dashed back from where she had come from, ending her sprint with a forward roll. The carnivorous smell became omnipresent then she came face to face with the Tyrannosaurus-Rex.

«….we meet again…..»

Croft said to the amazingly big beast, said fiend who appeared to recognize her; of course it would since this woman had vanquished a lot of dinosaurs in her existence and three of them were T-Rex….so it goes without saying that her face went down in history and spread among the race, so that evolution would make them remember her! Accursed creatures! The big mother opened its gigantic jaws and rumbled its best roar at her, which allowed Lara to fire a rocket right through it.

The whole head exploded, meat went everywhere and the entire cavern shook when the body fell limp; Lara then replaced her invisible shades, «Four.» Looks like the deception to wait for them to roar in order to send a grenade in their throat did not go down in history though.

She could have snapped pictures and act all pompous loading them into her face book account but she isn't into that kind of shit. Instead she grinned and walked back to the nest, of course she could have easily destroyed them with a few bullets but why waste such an opportunity? Biggest omelet in history, now THAT's a breakfast.

Making her way back towards that slope, an additional Velociraptor ran her way, «Did you came here to avenge your friend? », a rocket obliterating it. «Well that's too bad, been dead for two days. If you had showed up earlier then maybe you could have saved your pal, but since you're such a selfish asshole it died alone and then got eaten by even smaller than he.»

Ascending out of the cave she came face to face with an armed soldier, both aimed their weapons simultaneously, though the man conversed first.

«Hey hold on!»

«I am, else you wouldn't be talking.»

«What was that sound just now?»

She motioned with her head, «Place is clear. How long have you been here?»

«Our plane crashed here a week ago, we're still waiting for rescue. I'm so fucking sick of eating toads and monkey brains….!»

Lara thought about the large nice meal she just had and felt no remorse.

«Plus…», he suddenly looked around suspiciously, «Have you came in contact with that _mud_ …?»

«…...….»

He thinned his eyes, « _Eeeevil_ …..»

She coughed, «And you've been wandering around here with all those raptors and this Tyrannosaurus-Rex but haven't tried to kill it? Not the nervous type, are you; except for the mud, that is…»

«Pff! Only someone crazy enough would go one on one with a goddamn T-Rex!»

«But of course being afraid of mud isn't extreme…? Nevertheless it's dead now, have a good day and hope not to end up as raptor snack.»

The man watched her walk away, then incredulous, stepped inside the cave. Upon seeing the T-Rex's remains he shouted, « _No FUCKING way…!»_

Which gave away his position to a pack of Velociraptors nearby.

Croft went back to the airplane and inserted the two control keys in order to use the big artillery. The gun turret came out of the plane's rear and she took hold of the controls behind it, prepared to shoot gazillions of dinosaurs, and they _did_ come out almost endlessly. Once the festivities over, the earth was littered with reptile parts and blood; no archeologist would have any difficulties figuring this scene out. She screamed, «Woohoo I'm pumped! » and shot a couple of rounds upward, « _Towards the sky and beyoooond!_ »

Next she shot a wall to bits before running to it, farther within she found a sort of sacred place with shitty doodles on a wall. «Eerrmmm… »

Then a voice came behind her so she whipped around, «This curse on the land. Little white fella came here. 'RUN!', I said; very funny. We eat white flesh. You white, me really hungry.», the tribesman was barely visible sitting in that corner in the dark thanks to his even darker skin. It was like talking to a pair of floating white eyes. «Curse made us like your flesh. Tastes like chicken meat. »

«So then it's not your fault that you're like this. »

«Ate white meat before, after curse; still eat white flesh. »

«….Very educative…. Believe me my skin is really bland so instead we'll settle for this. » and she fed him bullets, _then_ ate him. It tasted like chocolate with a hint of Oreo cookie. Hmmm…..

After such many refreshing meals, Lara felt like she could take on anything. Including descending extremely dangerous-looking rapids with sharp scissor blades attached to some stone walls, a few spikes here and there protruding fiercely from the water bound to rip any limbs into shreds; not to mention very high waterfalls designed to kill anyone at bottom's touch. After killing a green lizard abnormally shooting olive-colored poisonous gas from its mouth, she found an abandoned kayak somewhere. She did eye the object suspiciously, especially the ominous hole in its material, but that wouldn't stop her; and certainly not after that deliciously reinvigorating nutritious feast she had prior.

The descent had been, shall we say, very highly sports like…. not to say extremely fucking so not enjoyable. Once she finally found a place to dock she almost pissed herself with relief. So it was a much disheveled Lara who, with anguished hands, grabbed the solid rock at her reach; managing to get out of this infernal kayak. Some branches were stuck in her hair and clothes, a leaf poked out of her teeth and a crab was snapping away at her boots.

Once on solid ground she kicked at the object, panting, «…..never…again….. !»

Looking around quickly though she frantically replaced her hair and clothes, ripped the crustacean off her, stood straight and said with confidence, «Well that was quite suicidal; let's not do that again.»

And she walked away proudly as if nothing happened, an aquatic plant poking out of her backpack.

Later she located an underground place that seemed as though it had been built by some deranged maniac solely so he could kill people and stare at their corpses while eating pop-corn. There were ten spinning sharp blades linked together in a room ready to decapitating everything, feeble floors giving into fire and tremendously huge fucking boulders also trying to kill her. Once she exited that then poisonous darts got shot in her face as congratulations. She plucked the needles from her skin, sprinted to her attackers and shoved their own darts inside their eyes. «Crazy village, dinosaurs, poisonous darts, cannibalism; nice part of the globe, absolutely welcoming, especially if you're white. »

Croft then had to face the Puna Boss to get the next meteorite artifact named the Ora Dagger in the shape of a lizard. The man used a weird hat with horns to shoot deadly green sparks at her so Lara had to side jump from left to right all while shooting. Eventually he died of old age thus got racked with spasms then exploded along with his chair, so the victor walked slowly toward the pedestal like a bad ass and then took the crystalline object. There was just one problem; it didn't load her to her next mission. «…. _Ah DAMMIT_! Now how am I supposed to get out of here….? »


	4. Deadly Jets, Aliens & Shite

**Deadly Jets, Aliens & Shite**

Our specialized-in-decimation explorer felt like teasing the recesses of human stupidity more thoroughly, and so packed her things for Nevada: more precisely she wanted to break in Area 51. Nothing more. Well not that she really believed in such things as aliens or UFOs (Unreal False Object), save for the information she gathered indicating that the third Infada artifact on her list was hidden there. Her adventure took her along tortuous strange paths again, where she nearly got chopped in half by a jet flying too close as she was jumping atop high hills. Also her skin caught on fire under the hot sun while vultures circled her head in hopes for a future meal. Crickets also laughed in their own way at that.

She also ran into some rattlesnakes amusing themselves by ambushing her here and there, more treacherous water wanting to suck her in, electrified fences ready to burn her to a crisp, fist-armed workers that seemed to have been cloned numerous times, plus TNT boxes to play with; all ending beautifully by a ride on a brown quad bike to jump over a barbed wire fence surrounded by mines to prevent such outcome in the first place.

Well an insect flew into her eye as she performed her suicidal stunt making her lose control of the bike, thus sending her dashing down the slope doing a dangerous dance with the quad in which she could have easily been amputated, and then it all ended with her head bashed on the rock below. Two armed sentinels that were sunbathing nearby heard the commotion and found her, picked her up and drove her to the base. Well, what better ways to directly enter into Area 51 than that? When you think about it, it probably was the best plan….either that indelicate entrance or end up shot on sight or yet blown up by missiles.

As a result she found herself in a cell, but she's goddamn Lara Cuff, as crafty as any Croft, the untamed fiery beast; consequently she still managed to get out then freed all the dangerous inmates who were very happy to decimate all the guards with their fists alone. The Military Police sentinel cried out as he died and the prisoner walked away silently, Lara stared at the corpse then him, «Nicely done! You have now committed murder. » She investigated many cells wondering why the sheets on the beds made a metal sound when she walked on it.

Soon afterwards she had another MP killed, she looked at the convict as he rubbed his hands together, telling him «You better enjoy your freedom while it lasts…. accidents happen.», while investigating for a way out she dropped into the kitchen next to the cafeteria. She landed right on the stove which was on fire for some reason, still she didn't burn; she stood there glancing at the different food being left to cook unsupervised, «Perhaps that's why everything is burning. » There seemed to have some rust or blood on the nearby counter, on the stove there was a container filled with something pitch black and another one with an orange substance, «What were they eating, tar?», she changed her voice a bit, «So today we eat blood, diarrhea blood; tar, plus vomit. I hope you're hungry. »

Croft made her way in between spinning fans because it was really safe to, then crawled through a big vent in which an eerie tune was triggered, «Ominous song, playing ominously….my kind of vents. » She went up a ladder leading her to a locked trap, another dead end stood at her left. She was about shooting her way out when one of the inmates ran towards a device which unlocked the trap. Lara ascended and told him, «Why thank you, for that I'm not going to kill you like I did with all your previous friends. »

They stared, «I could easily kill you right now, _so easily_. »

Still he didn't say anything but started rubbing one palm atop his fist which struck her breasts, sending her legs straight up inside his empty computerized frame while she apparently moaned. «Wait why the fuck did I do that? Hey what are you doing?!... Do you like it? », her knee went up and stayed there as she hovered above ground, «Do you like having my knee in your, geniiitalllll?»

He had been looking to his left but now reported his sight unto her indifferently, so she said, «What? Do you like it? »

The prisoner looked to his left once more, so she added, «No?», before following his gaze, «What's over there?» then she tried reading the letters written on the wall, «Aaay E aaye.», then back at him, «What does that mean? »

He turned his head to the right, and she continued, «You don't know? », afterwards he looked back at her still without saying anything. «Oh. Well, hmmk. I'll be going now. » she started running away, «Perhaps you've got brain damage, maaaybe I'll see you later? If you're not dead. Or once you're deceased. Not sure.»

In another portion of the place she liberated another convict, then shot him but he didn't die; hence she remained there in wondering while he sent his fist in her boobs. Arching a brow she asked him, «….You're invincible…? », then went up a ladder followed by this undying man; he ran in tiny circles beneath while punching the air trying to reach her. She stared down at him, «Damn, did you guys get lobotomized or something…? Sucks to be you.»

Always being so heartless she easily forced her way through the rest of this not-so high security compound, always making sure to liberate violent convict along. Once she obtained the pass to unlock the last door standing between her and freedom, she looked back at the prisoner that was wandering around in the same room, «Guess we could escape together but since I have no idea what you did to be here, screw that. », then shot him, and surprisingly he died. «…oh, looks like you didn't benefit from the same immortality than the other guy. »

The fleeing murderer sprinted outside, roll-forward-killed two more MPs then finally got a ride out of the precinct by hiding in a cargo truck bound to deliver supplies to the real Area 51. During the drive in the darkened space, she searched the boxes full of supplies and popped one lid open despite not knowing what it was. Well she immediately regretted it and spat out profusely, « _Urgh, ew shit fuck!_ », turns out this box contained urine samples from the convicts. Well she shared the rest of the drive with her vomit and its smell.

She should know better by now thanks to many past experiences, she has the worst of luck with beverages lying around….poor taste buds, they didn't deserve this.

* * *

Whatever was held secret in this base, she hadn't been ready for it, but first she needed to exit that vomit-truck right away. Lara jumped out, her boots making noises on the metallic floor thus alerting the one guard in the vicinity. The man turned her way, «Hey! » then ran away from her with his police club; too bad she was equipped with a gun so it was so cruelly uneven. She stared at him as blood created a little fountain, «You'd think they'd have firearms seeing they have to protect such a secret place. Look on the bright side though, your shift is over.», once she was done sympathizing with the cadaver, she crawled through a vent. Another guard walked by and saw a pair of boobs coming his way through the half darkness under there, he frowned and stared until someone came into view as well. That's when he said «Hey!» and started running towards an emergency lock down panel on the wall just as his coworker had previously tried to do.

Lara quickly shot him in the back before he could activate the alarm, «Seriously, none of you have guns…? Wasn't that important detail in the contract or something? », she holstered her own. Maybe it was written in very small characters so none of them noticed the "By the way eager recruits; you'll be patrolling this dangerous area hiding many undercover activities, which many blood-thirsty maniacs/peace activists/secret armed-forces/brainwashed idiots with guns and likely 90% of the population (plus also quite possibly infernal demons) want to discover the secrets of: only equipped with batons."

She pulled a nearby lever down opening the double door at her left, running in she discovered a bed with a white sheet, «Looks like they don't have metal sheets here.», what was odd though was the yellow-greenish stain on it. «This is either vomit or piss but I'm not about sniffing it to confirm my hypothesis. », she turned around seeing that an inmate had been staring at her this entire time, «Perfect timing. Come here a second. », she grabbed his head and pulled him along towards the bed then shoved his face on the stain, also aiming her gun at his skull, «Now tell me, vomit or piss? You must know since there's no one else around here so I'm assuming this is your doing. »

Surprisingly this man talked, «Then why did you shove my face on it since I'd know anyway?»

«Because I'm a bit of an asshole. Now tell me. »

«It's neither! They made me eat their filthy orange meal, gave me diarrhea! »

Lara glanced between him and the stain, «Why thank you. » and spilled his brain all over the sheets now as well, better to spare him a life of humiliation knowing someone had shoved his face in his own feces. Of course she could have avoided this senseless disfigurement, instead just leave and lock the door thus sparing his life; but where's the fun in that? Croft then easily avoided a sentry turret just by walking beside it without triggering the green laser near her legs, then had to shoot another guard. He flew backward screaming then blood spilled upward like usual, «I'm sorry though, it's not your fault that you couldn't read the small treacherous characters in that contract you signed. If there was a next time then I'd say 'better luck next time' but this is pretty much it for you. »

The woman of dubious morals dropped through a floor-trap hence slid down the length of the structure below, «This is a curious way for the workforce to descend to the lower level.», then got assaulted by two hairy dogs. Upon disposing of them their yelps of pain attracted a guard, and _he_ was equipped with an automatic rifle, however he screamed and died just like the rest. «So…. one man being backed up by trained police dogs needs a weapon but the other two did not…..? » Frowning, she kneeled down near one of the canine and started to pet it while thinking about this lack of logic for almost an hour. Once she had spread enough blood on the fur by her constant caress she stood up and resumed her infiltration, dropped through another gate and killed an additional sentry armed with an electric toothbrush. She chuckled, «They die so comically though, it's charming. », here's one reason why she's still single.

Crawling through another floor opening and more weird methods, she had to drop through an additional gate to attain the level below, doing so she landed on one MP. He hit his head so now she stood above him, arms and legs at each of his side. They stared, «Hey, how's the food in the cafeteria like? »

The man severely frowned while opening his mouth slowly, «….wha….? »

«Do they have hot-dogs and fries? I'm really famished right now. »

Some woman having most likely broke into Area 51 somehow, falling from the ceiling and asking him about food as if this was the most normal of shit to do; the man stared in wondering, trying to figure out the protocol for something as unlikely as this. The woman offered him a smile, he glanced around then at her again, «…Umm…. they have really good noodles….. »

«That won't do, I need proteins; all this breaking and entering requires stamina. »

He lifted a brow, then the woman abruptly stopped smiling, «…I hope this is your club I'm feeling. »

«It is. Having a Desert Eagle pointed at my crotch tends to be a turn off….»

«Alright then. », she rolled off him while also stealing his baton, her gun now pointed at his head, «Now if you would stand up, please. », he did while gauging her movement, «Good, now walk to that cell in the back. », they did so and he unlocked the door, she silently motioned to him to get inside.

Doing so he pleaded, «Don't leave me in here, that guy sitting in the corner has a creepy gross habit of sticking his tongue in places he really shouldn't. One coworker found out the hard way; being in therapy ever since. I'm his replacement. _Unwilling,_ replacement.»

Croft looked at the prisoner, realizing he was in the process of licking the wall, she then shot him.

MP darted hands on his ears « _FUCK sake!_ », now eyeing the exploded corpse with round eyes.

«Problem solved. », she looked at the bed to make sure it was relatively clean, «Take a nap.», then left locking the door.

From back there came his voice, «You shot him… you committed murder! »

«Not my first time. », then was off.

The man stared at the victim's remains sliding down the wall before falling on the floor with a wet sound. Still, better the convict than him.

Croft ran on top of a glass-floor through which the level below it was visible, another security guard walked by and she stared at him as he picked up something from his nose before flicking it away. Next she avoided more harmless sentry turrets before running into the man she had seen earlier, «Freeze. »

He lifted his arms up mid-way, glancing over his shoulder, «I don't have any chicken nuggets on me. This time. »

«I saw you pick your nose. »

«And? It's not forbidden by the law. Besides I'm making art with it. », he motioned to his right on the wall where he'd created The Normandy spacecraft in boogers.

«Not bad.», and he died yelling, that attracted the two remaining MPs and after being shot in the face by them she disposed of the threats. Lara spat a bullet, «Later dudes! », then crawled through another vent, «No wonder this place is easy to infiltrate, look at the size of those vents! Even the rats from TR I could easily pass through here. »

At some point Croft tried to turn the light on in an area, thus accidentally launching a huge rocket. She ran to the protective room built for this effect just in time before getting burned alive, and so did a guard that had been in the vicinity at the time. Panting, he lay himself on the wall across her and stared at the heavy door, that which was the only thing protecting them from the inferno beyond. He looked her way, « _Damn_ am I glad I made it in here in time!» and smiled warmly.

She shot him in the face; tough luck.

Later she made sure to not press any switch unless she was certain of its purpose; else in such a place it could prove to be deadly. «Still it was fun. », depends for whom though….

Moving through the area she heard a conversation between two MPs, «Who in Jesus' balls lunched the goddamn nuclear rocket?! »

«Dude, it's Bobaflickerdoodleda's shift today so go and bust _his_ balls! »

«Don't call me that we're not pals. Plus I'm not busting your balls, if I did I'd use this rifle then your whole genital area would be blown to bloody chunks. »

«Oh yeah? Tsh talk big prick but you don't even have the _balls!_ »

Someone fired and another screamed in pain, «Now who's balls-less, _huh?_ »

Lara blinked, «He truly had it coming though. », and to think this was actually her fault to begin with. She entered another area where there was a guard with his back turned at her, he seemed to be looking at the electrified tracks below while calmly tapping his club in his left hand at regular intervals. Croft slowly neared him and glanced down, «What do they use this for? »

MP kept looking ahead, «See that little wagon on the tracks? They use it to carry stuff, don't know what though, classified. But I'm in charge of this place. »

«Sounds really tedious. »

«Meh, you get used to it, meanwhile I daydream about things. Like yesterday I started playing TR III, read on forums that there are levels actually designed on what they think this whole place is like; I wonder how it'll turn out. »

«…I can give you a hint. », she placed a hand over his shoulder making him look at his left and his eyes bulged out seeing her there, she smiled and said, «Like this. » before pushing him on the tracks where he died electrified. Game play can't get any more realistic than that.

Soon afterwards Croft found one of the jets that had almost tore her apart back there when she was outside, stationed behind a glass inside the building. Poor sentry that was patrolling the area never knew what hit him, unlike the other guy Lara found later. She discovered this sort of hidden place with a huge aquarium in it which contained two orcas and in the middle floated a dead man. His uniform indicative enough, probably was meant to feed the killer whales or something and fell in; feeding them anyway. The beasts seemed happy, moving around and chanting their peculiar song; it felt soothing and awfully amusing giving the fact that this chap was just floating within peacefully.

Avoiding some more worthless turrets and doing acrobatics among security lasers, Lara came face to face with an UFO, just parked there in this room. In the next area there was a white alien resting on an operating table. Croft started laughing, even with these she couldn't believe it, looked like some well-made show to her. She entered the extraterrestrial engine and it looked as laughable. The door trap closed behind her; oddly the inside was three times as big as what the outside had led to believe. Her laughter hinted the security guards of her presence so she had to taint the inside with their blood, seeing the artifact in the center of the engine she kneeled and picked it up. This Element 115 actually looked like a dagger although without a hilt, compared to the lizard-shaped Ora Dagger. «I wonder who named these…. moreover why I'm aware of such information. »

Then glanced around while recalling another detail, «….Tsk, shit, trap door is locked so how do I….», she eyed the controls with the form of an alien hand printed on them, she placed her own on it thus the UFO went live; next it flew upward way fast right through the whole complex with astounding sounds. «WAAHHOOOOHH!»

Now was really the time to call it a red alert but since she had decimated all the Military Police…..

Really just a normal day's work.


	5. London Entertainment

**London Entertainment**

Lara had almost died trying to fly that ' **U** hoh- **F** uck- **O** hshit' but nonetheless managed to travel to London, where she began playing with her life atop different structures. Ahh, London, with your eerie foggy atmosphere, your acid rain, suffocating underground haunted by really-evil tubes, your heavily booby-trapped derelict passages, spooky burrow filled with horrifying secrets occupied by human-eater rats, and your never ending deadly tunnels flooded with oily water and crocodiles in a no-exit environment. Good times. Fucking good times….

She was shimmying sideways a wall aided by a nearly invisible thin gap which only her experienced fingers could possibly grasp, as nothing beneath her could cushion her possible fall from a 9999 foot drop. Doing so she started singing happily, «London! You do that kinda shit you're gonna diiieee! _London!_ » She eventually located a subway entrance situated somewhere hidden so that no one could get in, falling down in dirty water she now appeared at the surface. «Filthy murky waters, do not drink it. So London-like it makes my heart all warm. »

Lara got out of it and ran up many stairs which led her to ticket booths, and some creepy hooded dude walking around holding a baseball bat with nails poking out of it; it was also on fire so it actually allowed him to see where he was going. She remained from a safe distance before saying, «Guess you don't want to leave things to chance, when killing someone might as well be certain the nails will successfully bludgeon them to death _and_ add fire to make sure they really don't survive the assault. »

The guy looked her way with dark eyes, his face hidden by some sort of mask, «Well let's test that, shall we. », then ran her way but both his legs got severed thanks to her shotgun; he also dropped a kit entitled 'How to Torture People'. «I guess you still need practice then.», she eyed the back of his sleeveless jacket, «What's that written on your smelly clothes? », well with so much pixel and even with a flare lit, it was hard to decipher but it looked like 'The DAMNED', « _Damn,_ judging by the circumstances I say that's quite fitting. »

Another safe thing to do in London is visit its supernatural subway tunnels, like mentioned above. The place might have seemed abandoned but when one so fucking foolishly suicidal enough ventured on the tracks, then evil trains would just promptly appear and decapitate you thus leaving your body for rats to feed on. What was left of it.

And those rats were still of abnormal sizes, they'd fix that in TR II but apparently the rodents had rebelled against the decision thus the staff had brought them back to their oversized data. Lara shot both of them while on the tracks, «Only in London. », though unlike in TR I the bodies vanished before her very eyes, «Hey they disappeared before I could eat them! », now that was a total waste. She was running through the subway tunnel when one of those hooded men came out of a wall saying 'Hey!' but started running ahead of her instead towards her. Suddenly a tube appeared right in front of them so the man took an immediate right through a door, however Croft kept running and shouted, «Pussy! » before being mercilessly killed, her body rolled farther up the tracks. Yeah, at least she had the guts to keep goin', wuss!

Good old Memory Card summoned, Croft located another entry somewhere, and again where no one could reach unless they could magically grab an overhead frame and monkey swing over to the nearby ledge. She now faced a weirdly built means of entry where she had to insert a ticket in order to pass, the machines were located right underneath a piece of metal wall that would make it hard for anyone being taller than a dwarf to cross it. But nothing that could stop Lara, moreover she focused her attention on rats being on the other side of those barriers. She kneeled and aimed at it, «Is it coming my way, is it coming my way potential food! » and shot the grubby rodent when it was close enough. Then she spotted another one and aimed, «Come here food, come here…. », it didn't, instead just stood on its rear paw sniffing the air.

Croft got quickly tired of watching it as her stomach rumbled so she stood up, «Fine I'm coming for you just you wait, _just you wait!_ », she grabbed her ticket but all the noise must have aggravated the poor rat so it scurried her way, not for long though. She grabbed both the bodies, used the ticket and crossed to the other side where a nice warm fire was awaiting her; first she shot the _damned_ guy that was hiding in a corner then cooked the little packs of proteins. «Crispy, just the way I like my pets. »

After that tasty snack she ran somewhere and just like that pressed the switch that was on the wall, «Let's just press the first button we see, not knowing what it does. », and next ran past a door to her right which instantly opened into a hooded man running her way, she swiftly shot him in the gut, «I decline your invitation. », although still using that passage to get back to where she had not finished investigating yet. Doing so another guy popped from a corner shouting 'Hey!' but soon died, and funnily enough every time she shot one with a flaming baseball bat the fire then would die along with them; like some sort of metaphor for their soul leaving their bodies. «Seriously though, it's as though every men I encounter can only say one goddamn word, are you so uneducated? »

While she yet addressed a dead man, his dog leaped at her knocking her down on the tracks, hopefully she was safe there because apparently it was unable to jump down there. But that was not what was really strange; Lara had a flare lit so she immediately realized something was wrong with that dog. Some places seemed to be bleeding plus his ribs showed though the skin, «…Are you alright…? », it growled, «….You appear to be, half-eaten…..» then she threw him her flare, «Here, take this. »

It merely growled some more while moving around the platform seeing as it was incapable to chew her head off, «Fucking seriously though why in the fucking bloody hell is there blood all over you plus your ribs are showing as if your owner ate some parts of you?!», she shot it to end its misery and because this scene was really just too bizarre, even for her. «What the _fuck_ is going on here?! Have I inadvertently walked into some secret cult doing creepy things in closed-down areas?»

Croft ran towards a nearby keyhole, «I told you…», said she to the mechanism, «Haunted subway station. », and inserted the key which opened the door trapping her between it and the wall. «And doors opening in your face by lack of proper architectural designs. » Truly, who but a moron would put a device on the wall right where the door was meant to swing open thus trapping whoever had activated it. The passage led to a switch which turned on the lights in the station, Croft ran back out, «…This would have been helpful _twenty minutes ago_ while I ventured on those tracks. Still, it all looked better with the lights off. », she glanced back at that keyhole, «Don't ask me why, I don't know why!»

Hell, perhaps it was time she exited those tunnels, seemed to me all the dust and rotten-skin particles were getting to her brain. Lara wasn't done with this place though, she found another hidden door through the creepy evil tunnels leading to a long vertical place that no one would ever survive if they jumped in. Plus there was this circular object ornamented with sharpened blades on it, bet it revolved on itself to savagely decapitate anything that was stupid enough to try and descend through here. Our intrepid and ovaries-of-steel crazed woman stared at the friendly device, «…..Nope, I myself won't even go there… Although if there was an artifact at the bottom-» that's when her foot slipped falling on the feeble platform below and it was too high for her to jump back up, «Oh no-», then the machine started spinning, «Oh SHIT **NO** -», the frail platform disintegrated beneath her so she fell to her doom, « _NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ » until her bones shattered at the bottom. Minutes later the device reached her corpse and shredded through everything, spreading some Lara Croft all over the floor and beneath.

What kind of deranged individuals build traps like that…?

I need to employ them badly.

Well she did reload her immaculate self back and was now innocently running across rooftops, because why the hell not it's all about sport, plus the moon was marvelous from this fucking high up; until suddenly she was fired at. Lara dodged, rolled down a slope and kicked the white-haired man in the paternity sack; he threw her on the ground thus finding himself atop her. Of course all he could think of at the time was stare at her voluminous artifacts but she quickly put one pistol under his chin.

«Indulge in your perversion later once I'm out of here else you'll go through an extreme make over. Who do you work for?»

«What!?»

She pulled his face closer to hers, eyes swearing she would pull the trigger, «You heard me.»

«Really I didn't, I got crap in my ears!

Using her abs and legs, she threw him off her backward then jumped on her feet, keeping her aim locked, «Who employs you?»

He pulled a pebble out of his nose, «Miss FartLay.»

«Who is she, what does she do?»

«I don't know.»

«DON't test me.»

«Really I don't! I just shoot people for the dumb woman!»

Croft circled around him, «It will be your doom… I'm actually putting emphasis on _right now._ »

«You just say that to scare me.»

She glared, «No I'm saying that because I truly feel like making it reality so don't fucking test me.»

He got on his knees, «Listen I've done this for years, for people like you we get special bonuses. Plus a gift-card of 25$ to spend at McDonalds.»

Her voice went a couple of degrees lower, «Charmed.… so you mean to say you're an expert at this but still you failed to attain your target as I was merely running on this roof, plainly out in the open like that….?»

The man looked around then changed the subject, «I mean, I could have retired from you.»

Holstering her weapon, Lara suddenly held his vest firmly and locked his legs with hers so he couldn't move, but she ducked so the bell could rip his head off sending it flying off. «That's as good as it'll get.»

The beheaded head actually wore a look of disapproval on its face then fell off view.

«Fortunately you're not Agent 47. » With her right feet she pushed the body off the roof before leaving through an opening at the base of the bell, the fact that it was dark and slippery was the cause of her losing feet, «Oh n—SHIT, ow, _noooo…..!»_

Her descend ended in a clumsy and painful flop in some malodorous chamber below, she had merely unglued her face from the dirty floor when a man grabbed her arm, pulled her off it managing to dislocate her shoulder only to shove her forward next. She was now facing another hooded man also wearing a mask, she pointed it out with her functional arm, «Sorry I didn't know this was a private Halloween party, didn't bring any costume.», then quickly popped her articulation back in place.

«The blood smeared on your face from the fall will do, plus you've got cobwebs in your hair.» He suddenly rammed down his metallic staff on the ground hard, «Are you fucking kidding me this isn't some fucking bloody Halloween party! If it were I would be dressed as Speedo-man!»

«That hit was too close to my hands for comfort…»

«If you managed to get here in one piece then I assume you rid the tunnels of those goons, they're mercenaries employed by SoFeeA FartLay. She's one track-minded heartless blonde who seeks everlasting superficiality; ya here to meet with that vile woman?»

Lara sat up, «Business, not pleasure. Although I admit shooting many of her thugs and your men was pleasurable. »

He leaned backward where he was sitting, «Yeah figured as much, you can't get any fun around her since all she cares about is her damn face lifting products. She tried that shit on us first to see if it would work, now you know why we have green skin and wear masks. But I admit I really like it, makes me look mysterious and cool; I feel awesome in it!», he struck the floor with his rod again.

«I agree but easy with the dangerous maneuvers, or are they spasms…?»

He lay a palm on his leg, «Tell you what, you get into the Natural History Museum and get the…., that object that is in the thing that looks like some intimidating suppository device, that stuff they use on mommies.»

She lifted a brow, «Embalming fluid? What for?»

«No questions asked, else I uhh, might have to kill ya.»

«What do I get in return?»

«One of these, lady.», he pointed to his mask.

Lara grinned, «The fluid is as good as yours.»

«Good! Ya do easy. » he stood up.

«How would you know that? »

«Anyone equipped with so many weapons would. Follow me. », the man led her through a stony tunnel, in some alcoves stood some hooded men with their thorny baseball bats. One of them was tapping it in one hand making blood spill forth every time he did, she grinned «….Guess you enjoy the pain, huh. », the man stared at her as she walked by.

Lara followed the leader towards where she was supposed to start her mission, until he dropped in the water surrounding the wooden path they were walking on. She stared, «…I don't know why you did that. »

He merely looked at her while leaving, probably had to give more orders to dislocate additional arms or something. «Well thanks for showing me the way which I could have so easily found out by myself! »

Next she had to ascend a wall with handholds on, for three goddamn years. I truly don't know how she does it knowing she can't put her toes in the holes. Once she reached the top her fingers were bleeding and some of their bones protruded out. She lifted herself over the ledge where she remained waiting for her limbs to stop shaking from having used all her goddamn stamina. «Next guy I encounter becomes my meal. »

Nothing new there.

She dropped in through a trap door realizing it led to some cheap control room of sort; she stood behind a museum guard who was standing there looking at something unspecified that was revolving on itself. She aimed but started walking his way slowly, since she'd been bathing in filthy subway water he then smelled that something was wrong thus turned around, « _Oi!_ »

Lara lowered her weapon and simply hit him with an uppercut, or she would have if the man didn't dodge then tried to hit her back. Then it was a good seven minutes of them sparring, while another guard nearby had heard the commotion and was now endlessly running through the closed door. Eventually the woman had to use an un-sport like technique in order to win since this chap clearly had some skills, so she pinched his nipples through his uniform thus forcing him on his knees then hurled her own at his face knocking him unconscious.

«Phew! Nice skills there handsome. Enjoyed this, I'll call you. », she turned around and saw the idiot who was still trying to pass through the door and eyed him, «What's wrong with you…? » then shot a bullet through the glass. «Third eye, now maybe that'll help you see more clearly. » Stepping over his corpse she realized she needed to get that tall wall in her way open, but she had seen no lever anywhere but a squared block in the control room. Croft eyed it telling herself this couldn't be it, still pushed it and it actually granted her passage in the next room.

«So let me clarify, if someone wanted to cross that tall wall, say an employee for example, they had to push and pull that block on and off from that pressure pad? », she looked at the guard who was still sleeping, «Really…? Tell your boss that this is stupid, because she clearly needs to be told since nothing has been made to solve this illogicality. Unless of course you get some of your workout this way, and you do work out, I didn't fail to notice the muscles when I grabbed your limbs fighting you... and, you fought me back. I mean…..» she trailed off while staring at him, «I'd better go now before I do something illegal... like caress your nipples or something. »

Croft then met with the snotty blonde sitting at her desk in her grand skyCrapper. Lara entered her office with a cool gait, noticing that the fishes in the tanks were all floating dead. She pointed out with her thumb, «You _do_ know that you need to feed these?»

A quick further inspection revealed that the Samoan necklace was floating in there as well. Looks like Sherlock Holmes failed to notice that.

SoFeeA had been sitting in her chair, busy admiring her fake plastic reflection in a glass, but turned around at Lara's words, «What? I posted two guards in front of that door!»

Lara crossed arms over her chest, «Fortunately, they're dead now.», she quickly glanced to her right, «Well, minus one man that said 'Oi' instead of 'hey', which warmed my British heart so I let him live. By the way you must have his private number somewhere in a log book. »

«B-but I had over 666 men guarding this entire building!»

«Yes indeed there is going to be a lot of cleaning up to do.»

«…..then I take it you're ready to sign on.»

«…Sign on? You place a goddamn hit on me so I have to invade your entire place and kill everyone with the plan to end your miserable existence, but all you've got to say is that?»

«Well yes, my boob I mean my BOOK; you see with your lifestyle you'd be the perfect campaign for my products. Just think, you wouldn't need those _**unsightly**_ weapons anymore.»

Croft uncrossed her arms, «First, I know the 'products' you're talking about are responsible for destroying the lives of men on whom you experimented; by the way they're all still alive, green, but alive. Plus also immortal, that which you sought for yourself but it ends today. Also you wear way too much make-up, creating that _**unsightly**_ face of yours. Second, these silver pistols are my babies and _true_ beauties, so no thanks; better shove that staff up your arse because you'll benefit from nothing else.»

« _ **My what!?**_ »

«Before you start I want the Eye of Isis at the tip of it then proceed as previously instructed.»

The blonde grabbed her stick and got up, heading for some exit at her left, but rammed her face on a wall instead. Since it was full of something like Botox she didn't feel anything thus quickly regained balance before glaring Lara's way, «Right, in your next life…»

«Got no time for this bullocks.»

Croft shot her in the face then kept firing as she advanced on her downed position:

BAM BAM BAM _BAMBAM_ **BAM** **BAM**!

«By the way, that is also a little gift from the men you disfigured; debt repaid.»

There was blood and flesh everywhere, Lara picked up the turquoise artifact and was about leaving when she got an idea. She walked through that exit leading on the rooftops and found a circuit breaker with a metallic catwalk leading to it. Grabbing what was left of the deceased by the hair; Croft pulled the woman outside and dropped her corpse there. Then stepping off the catwalk she shot the breaker; followed some fine fireworks and a nicely cooked piece of meat. Next the breaker itself fried and Lara heard a helicopter start from atop the adjacent building.

She grinned, «Now we're talking. »


	6. Mutated Freaks & Evil Mine Carts

**Mutated Freaks & Evil Mine Carts**

Now having the four mystical stones in her possession, Croft went to Antarctica where she'll be busy trying to remain alive in this harsh environment, dealing with really frantic-crazy suicidal rides in mine carts and perilous dips in deadly icy cold waters. Well this time around she had had the common sense to wrap herself more, though her dips in deadly waters were rather counter balancing…..although still surviving them. Sadly that was more than could be said of the poor pilot; suffice to say that putting his seat belt on that day had been his last mistake….

First she visited a big vessel and all the crewmen in there were equipped with handguns since it clearly was a very important ship, whereas Area 51 wasn't significant enough to be protected. Once they died they'd shoot one last bullet her way while dropping, which could end up badly for other crew members as ricochets were more likely to occur then. Lara found a lever near some turbines and she couldn't do otherwise than to pull it down; got to excuse her, after years of doing so it was hard to overcome the need, like an addiction that itched within her to do that whenever she encountered a switch.

Luckily it didn't fuck the boat up but merely opened a door, running in that new corridor she got ambushed by a sailor sipping on tea at her left, he started shooting from right to left alternatively, which punctured many holes in the wall behind the woman but avoided her every time. She remained there with her mouth slightly open, staring at him. Surely he'd run out of bullets soon…. well he didn't so after twelve minutes of this she exterminated him. «What was with all that aimless shooting…? »

Eventually she located an inflatable boat the color of piss, pushing a button allowed for it to be unhooked from the vessel and it dropped into the water. A maintenance guy that had been on it at the time fell off then and drowned in the very fucking icy liquid. Lara made her way back out on the bridge, completely oblivious she had claimed another victim. With all her games packed with countless unreasonable slaughtering, surely she had long ago beaten any other games in kill counts.

Back outside in the nice, deadly chilly wind, Croft stared down from the bridge wondering whether she'd make it or not. She remembered having tried a similar stunt in Venice only to have gone right through the boat and into the water instead. The body floating near this one should have proved this was a bad idea enough; but not to Lara Fucking Croft, it only made her want to do it more. So she jumped down but her crotch brutally collided with the motor, definitely making her fall into the water then. Nearly drowned, too. But oh well, she never cared to have children anyway. So Lara abandoned her bleeding uterus in the indigo liquid and took off. Oh steering this was fun alright; despite the wind making her eyes tear up from the speed and making them freeze on her face, worth it nonetheless.

On her way around the bigger vessel she came across a shed but it was empty, therefore there was no sense setting it on fire like in the old days; though thankful for the lack of yetis. She then reached another area where a guard was patrolling an icy segment of the place, once he spotted the intruder he started running towards her, he had no time to aim however as his feet slipped and into the hospitable water he went.

Croft could have helped him but he did try to kill her, besides she would have shot him if he hadn't lost his balance so she merely watched. His fighting the cold was in vain as he got sucked in near the boat so the blades cut through him, leaving a trace of blood and body parts behind. The feast attracted a couple of fish now enjoying the buffet. Lara parked the boat while whistling then disembarked. It would seem the small metallic cabin at her right was used to house the controls for the heavy gate blocking the way on the left.

There was a logo near the door that read 'RX TECH', «Well at least it's not 'T-REX TECH'.», she was eager to locate Mark Willard and clarify a thing or two; or more likely shoot several of his organs. The cabin was locked with a solid bar across it. She grabbed a lovely crowbar from her braid and awkwardly pushed the object on the door's latch, as if this was going to work. Astonishingly the crowbar didn't glue to the lock nor magically opened it by itself, so it fell down on her toes. If I'd been there I would have slapped some sense into her while saying she should feel ashamed because that's no way to treat a crowbar! Sure she then would have shot me in the gut thus spilling my entrails out, but at least I would have told her what I think of her cruelty towards such a beautiful and useful tool.

Lara picked up the instrument shoving it between the door and the solid bar, now blasting it free before putting the instrument back inside her tress. Pushing the door open revealed that she had completely wasted her time since she did not even possess the gate control key that turned on the control panel in the first place. Furious, she shot it now entirely rendering it useless. Good job. Now take your freakin' pills.

She jumped back aboard the pissy boat and went on, «Screw that, I'll simply find another way around. I always do whenever I fuck up. », that's when some other guy started firing at her, «Oh hi! » she then had to jump off in order to kill him because apparently she couldn't aim while seated in there. Then she just had to ask his corpse, «So where the hell where you when I murdered your coworker before tossing his body overboard? Surely you weren't taking a shit somewhere in this frosty air? »

He didn't reply of course, hell who would have thought.

Soon afterwards she located a building, «Good because this bloody macaroni-cheese-like coat is much less warmer than it looks. Goddamn cheap fiber, I should have bought the one over 7777$ instead. » she ran down the darkened corridor but immediately slowed down, somehow there was a creepy vibe emanating from within. «….Is this where I die….? »

A dog leaped from the corner but its face exploded, «Quick draw.», she looked at how its gray and black fur made it resemble a wolf, « Still, you didn't answer my question. », Croft found canned food and other useless objects inside, also a frozen corpse in the corner but that was not her problem. She crossed a rudimentary hand-made wooden bridge over a crevice which led to a similar building, looking up at the second floor she saw one guy who seemed to be waiting by the window. Lara made a snow ball and threw it on the glass; the man looked down at her and waved happily. He was probably thinking she was bringing them food or something, well then he wasn't completely wrong; she was bringing him _something._

Something fast, cold and solid, which hurts profusely.

At some point she discovered an external dog pen with three canines in there; they all had the appearance of tamed wolves too. She neared the first switch, «Hello doggies. » and pressed it, however nothing happened since there was no power. «Well looks like you all escaped your fate, for now. »,

Not too far from the kennel there was a desolate but sinister command outpost where she got introduced to mutated freaks. One of them was resting in a corner when she crossed what was left of the post, she just stood there staring after having thrown her flare its way. She then approached so it suddenly stood up and spat its fetid yellow breath in her face, then dropped dead. Lara could only stare some more even if she'd been poisoned. Eventually she reached for a med kit on automatic since she kept staring, then she kneeled at its level. «Is everything alright?»

The mutated man's face clearly stated otherwise but she insisted, «Are you hurt?», advancing closer in order to look at his inhuman form. He had no hair left, his vertebral column protruded from his coat, his legs were missing rather he had what looked like a long brown-reddish mass departing at the end in two identical segments similar to a snake's tongue. «…..Fascinating. » She snapped pictures then stood up.

In this same half-burned down place, a red radio on a shelf played static only but when she approached it started calling for a certain James. She eyed it suspiciously and turned it off, then decided it'd be better to just shoot it, then left. Harry Mason wouldn't have agreed.

Near this cabin was another in which she located the turbines thus resolved the power shortage before speeding back over to the dog's pen. Since she had already pressed the first switch then the door had automatically opened once the power had been reestablished. So she was welcomed by the first wolfy as it leaped at her throat, grenade launcher did the trick, «You're so eager to get blown up!» She ran inside the first kennel and pressed the second switch, the second gate opened letting the remaining canines out; ejecting a grenade made them both blow up simultaneously.

Croft then penetrated the building linked to the dog's pen having to blow up a fourth dog inside, finding a key on a desk. «A fucking key, I've got a grenade launcher do I look like I need any keys!?» The irate woman made her way back through the kennel because some dumb ass had built the gates all the way to the building's door; so every time the scientists needed to enter or leave they had to cross this all over again while stepping in poop, having their legs chewed on, pissed on, or worse yet.

During her time in chilly territory, there was also a couple of amusing incidents where crewmen, trying to kill her, had put so much effort into the endeavor that it was them who succumbed to their own trap. Similar to that time she was venturing through a corridor and a man charged at her, Croft bent plus used his momentum to send him forward right into the metal doors. Apparently these doors were possessed by some really immoral entity and kept closing/opening brutally, which chopped him in half on the spot. There now, a serving of food for the dogs…or it could have been only if Lara hadn't slaughtered them all earlier. Well, more nutrients for her.

If it didn't involve trap, she could just approach any unsuspecting victim from behind and push them off an edge; they'd land in water so having no means of escaping would perish frozen. Another ruse was to shoot at a gas pipe, it would burst and melt the flesh of anyone who stood nearby or tried to run through the fume. Who would do that? Someone stuck in between a mutated monster and an exit, for example…... if nothing else was on hand she always had her fateful silver companions ready to solve any problems standing in her way, or behind her if the need arose.

Taking a huge elevator down she discovered the actual mines, and a lot more mutated personnel roaming around this underground installation. She first encountered two who seemed to be enjoying the view while crawling together, until one guy entirely dressed in white came along and roasted them alive. The creatures shrieked like retards facing loads of cheeseburgers, flailing their arms about, then dropped in perfect synchronicity then blood spilled upward.

Croft looked at the man armed with a black flamethrower, «Sooo… looks like everything's taken care of. », she walked to him, «Can I have that? »

He looked to his right at her, his face protected by a white cloth so only his eyes and mouth were visible. Still, mouth and eyes didn't move; so perhaps they were frozen open.

«…I guess that's a no. »

Then she was forced to find her way through an isolated ice-covered mine using The Mine Carts of Supreme Hell. She wouldn't dream divulging of her nightmarish experiences in those immoral tunnels; was even more traumatized than when she had the bad idea to acquire that infernal kayak. That's about the time she had enough of Antarctica.

Well too bad since _I the player_ wasn't done yet.

After experiencing hilarious deaths through mine carts, Croft reached a spot where she could actually descend from the accursed cart. There was one of those dude in white cleansing the area, she watched him cook the creature then walked towards him, «Having fun?» The man merely walked away looking tough but since he had nowhere to go he just returned to where she was, his hard ass façade melt a bit, then continually walked back and forth like that. Croft neared a certain spot ahead where two long drills suddenly came out of the walls; she glanced back at the man, «Really…? Just _who_ designed this? You?», he stared her way from afar, she added «...You're one fucked up guy. »

Lara managed to cross the maniacal drills and discovered an unsecure slope, «So what's in here? Impediment of doom? », sliding down she fell unto ice below losing most of her life, «Oh, look; almost broke my fucking legs. » She ran around a corner into a small grotto but got mercilessly attacked by a big mutated freak this time, it swung its huge claw at her but also kicked her with its boot. «Why so much violence?!», she didn't want it to blow up so she killed it with her Desert Eagle instead. Once it dropped she could then analyze it, lighting a flare and kneeling she stared, «So what's your story?», it also looked like it had gone through a tremendous amount of pain while mutating because its face told her so. «You _do_ look like shit. Well if I looked like that I'd be angry too. »

Croft went back to investigate where the monster had come from, «So were you guarding something important?», but there was nothing there, «What, you were just there taking a shit…..? That's great. Good for you. », how disappointing. Approaching the icy edge an eerie tune was triggered, with all the experience that she had Lara knew what this meant, «Oh _what now_?», one of her boots slipped and she killed herself at the bottom of the precipice. Well so much for experience.

There was a mutant roaming there so it now revolved around her corpse. Forever it seems as for there was absolutely nowhere else it could go because it had lost its legs plus the ledge above was way too high.

And according to Charles Xavier, mutation is the next step in human evolution. Well say that to this guy.

Anyway I believe in it so I'm _still_ waiting to get ass-tearing powers like Jean Grey. Any minute now. Any _fucking_ minute.

Lara reloaded her frozen butt back into a mine cart, «Everything's swell, everything is swell-», then it neared a terrifying descent, «Except for that.», speeding down the hill she pulled the brakes at the right time so she survived the incoming beheading. The tracks led her to an area that was in bad shape, lights were flickering everywhere, ominous fumes came in between the floor made of metal bars, plus it smelled like shit. This place had 'YOU WILL DIE HERE' written all over it, so it was no surprise when Lara had her head almost chopped clean off by one them huge freaks. Swinging its long claw at her removed three quarters of her health at once, but no amount of damage compared to a grenade in the mouth.

Or three, because it took that much before the big-ass monster exploded.

«Now this place is undeniably haunted….», despite this she started crawling under the metal flooring while burning her hand with a flare, doing so a freak on legs ran past above her. «Fortunately I don't shit myself easily. », unlike overrated face-cam utter morons on You Tube…. _Really_ can't believe those overreacting men-pussies are popular. Tells you a lot about how the human race is beyond saving….

That slow exploration on all fours only offered Croft a TRIII guidebook she didn't need, so the upset woman backtracked out of there and ran through a long corridor where she found a huge mutant just standing there staring at a wall. Once a grenade thrown however it dashed her way and shoved its claw through her stomach right to the other side, afterwards it blew up but the claw remained. Lara looked down at it, «…great…»

Coming out of that welcoming area, she took a dreadful mine cart back to the entrance, «Hey, you're still alive back there?», the first man in white she had encountered was still roaming around the same spot, «Good you survived.», then blew him up. Next she entered a room near one of the tracks but it was completely devoid of anything, «Oh _nooo_ , an empty space; oh god the horror. », then she investigated its roof, «And empty rooftop, _noooo…!_ » Riding in a mine cart once more she reached an area where a small oval machine was waiting in water, she investigated but once she tried to resurface an invisible force prevented her to; until she suddenly popped out of the liquid then fell back down in it. She emerged for the second time though not while being magically propelled upward by some invisible force then vaulted atop the platform, «…..Right, told you this place was fucked up. Proof right there. »

Lara then had to dive back because that was the only route available to reach her next destination, so she almost drowned in incredibly cold water but using forty large med kits helped her survive until she finally reached an edge. Hell who does this but the suicidal ones? Who in the fuck would dip their ass in icy waters plus not knowing whether there's an exit or not? «Gosh! That was my best score yet!», looking to her right she spotted one of them dudes looking her way, «I wasn't talking to myself out loud, I swear. You imagined it. » Guy didn't care and just proceeded to keep staring at a darkened wall ahead of him. They're so charming. She ran across a metallic catwalk, reaching the other side of the huge crevice coming face to face with a mutant. She yelled so the man could hear her, «You didn't do your job right!»

Once having blown bits of it everywhere she glanced around upon the statues resting in the snow, the expression on their faces conveyed deep distress. «…You OK…? Because you look frightened to me. », another mutant showed up, «Oh that's why. », equally blown. «Now don't worry, it'll be alright. »

In the next portion however there was this disturbing vibe all around as some unbalanced dude whispered barely audible blabber in a microphone; Lara suspected it was Willard just going mental. That or he'd been pricked way too often by those pesky dragonflies that came coming endlessly from everywhere, with their radiant emerald butts and long fatal darts. Guess Lara should have accorded more importance to the look of intense anguish conveyed by the statues earlier.

All the goddamn voodoo-like chattering was impeding her concentration so she yelled at the surroundings « _What the HELL are you going on about?!_ », only to have a massive swarm of prickly dragonflies converge on her.

That damn noise they make while trying to poke your face all through to the other side, it'll give her nightmares for weeks afterwards. Technically seeing that their luminous behinds are immediately linked to their darts then that means they're perforating your insides with their ass, or their genital; that alone should bring a sense of dread in you.

The Attacks of the Ass-Dragonflies; coming to theater near you. **Very** , near you. Like _inside_ you.

* * *

After so much perilous altercations and death-defying stunts, she located a shack standing alone far away from the numerous outposts. Croft kicked the door open; in consequence a gust of really cold air blew inside and extinguished the fireplace. That's when she found that company owner. He had been calmly eating a soup while his entire staff were clearly being decimated, because of Lara or else, and transformed into freak creatures, by else. «What a surprise; you being here away from the chaos, or rather hiding, while everyone else suffers the consequences of your actions.»

Mark flicked a piece of ice from his face and replaced his messy hair, «Oh hi, _do_ come in; it's not as if I don't feel like having any kind of intimacy or anything while I eat and prepare my world domination. By the way that panel outside reading "stay out preparing evil plan" was not for you either….»

A pissed off Lara stepped closer and hit the table with a leather case she popped out of nowhere, the force with which she landed it sent a knife flying into her left arm. The wound went undetected since her flesh was frozen. «Your employees are all dead; I gunned the rest that were roaming about the place being mutated. What do they turn into anyway, some small-sized, deformed brown-mermaid? »

The man unstuck the knife to apply butter on his slice of bread that looked like a serving of cardboard instead, «Should I care? Do you care? I mean who gives a shit? I don't. »

The unimpressed woman shot him in the leg.

«OW FUCK **WHAT** **ARE YOU DOING!?** »

«I don't care about you either. Besides you're about to turn into a powerful giant spider, best to end you here and now. Moreover it's impolite to talk with your mouth full; I bet the tribesmen can hear your disgusting noises all the way to their village. If… they were still alive.»

«Oh don't take a piss! Evolution is freakin' important. Plus what about my soup, have you only thought about its fate!? **How more fucking evil can you get!?** Someone's unable to finish their soup and next thing you know some turd decides to make a bloody meme out of that shite, do you realize what it means, _the repercussions!?»_

Having enough of this, Lara promptly head butted Willard with her handgun, grabbed him by the collar pulling his ass off the chair and smashed his face on the wall three times then perforated his skull with many bullets. Afterwards she calmly sat down at the table and finished the soup. There, apocalypse prevented.

Our, literally, cold hearted executioner exited and ran through another settlement, that's when flamethrower dudes joined forces to exterminate her. After having killed the four of them she said, «I had saved your lives from being eaten alive by your gross transformed boss, how about some gratitude?!», she entered a small room in which a fifth guy was stuck in, running through thin air even if the door was wide open in front of him. Croft fixed his little problem with one bullet and went inside, it really was a tiny room plus utterly empty, «Hm, I wonder what you guys were doing, five grown men stuck in here with no TV or anything. »

She got out and a chopper flew over her head, «Finally a way out of here! I can't feel my face anymore. »

There was a pilot inside and he greeted her with a kind smile, surprisingly she mirrored the gesture….. but then still destroyed his face. While flying the engine she had to shoot down another helicopter as she escaped its aim plus missiles from below.

So. Many. Deaths.

Now the real question is; who had controlled and launched those missiles? Because she had decimated every living creatures on that frozen rock. Probably sentient missiles that hated her for being so awesome. Mystery solved.

* * *

The Tomb Victorious arrived home safe and was now sipping on her cream soda while admiring what she had accomplished. Four highly-valuable and powerful artifacts carefully stuffed behind protective glass. Too bad WinsTon wasn't around to see this…..she came home and found out he hadn't even prepared dinner; either he was cruelly lacking manners which Lara would immediately address accordingly in her own way, or he was getting senile. Anyway both slacking manners would have dire consequences….

The bubbles ascended, tickling her nose and making her burp. Thought crossed her mind that Von Croy would not approve of such manner unfit for a 'lady', well screw him. The old archeologist was also the one possessing none of these rare beauties right now, she grinned, recalling his very words:

«"I am the famous archeologist, not you!" How rich Vanna, now who's got all the fun?»

Check mate.


End file.
